Being a Good Neighbor: Roommates
Hey guys! If we haven’t met yet, my name is Leah, and I’m on staff at Christian Student Fellowship. I’ve been on staff for four years, and I absolutely love hanging out with students, getting to hear their stories, and pointing them towards Jesus. I hope and pray that I do that well this year.
I also have the opportunity to live with several students here as well, and some of the other staff. We live in a big house together just down the road from CSF, and it’s just so fun to live in such close community with such good friends. I have 6 roommates right now, and I did some math the other day, and I have actually had 24 roommates over the past eight years. That’s a lot of people! I’ve had great roommates and awful roommates and seemingly invisible roommates and annoying roommates and everything in between. Sometimes, I’ve even had great roommates who got on my last nerve, and sometimes I’ve been the one who was the bad roommate.
I’ve had roommates who came home drunk at 3am, or brought boys over at all hours of the night, or left a mountain of dirty dishes, or were screaming with their friends while I was trying to sleep. Previous roommates have stolen my stuff when they moved out, have lied straight to my face even when it was so obvious that they were lying, and have been inconsiderate of the fact that we share this space.
I’ve also had roommates who have come to my room crying and in need of comfort, and who have laughed with me until we peed our pants, and who have brought me food when I was sick. If you’ve ever lived with someone, you know that there are very diverse and complex relationship dynamics going on in the roommate sphere. For some of you, it’s your first time having a roommate or roommates; some are seasoned veterans when it comes to living with people; and some of you have never had a roommate at all. No matter what your experience with roommates, you’ve heard the stories, you’ve seen the shows and movies. It can be a lot.
This semester, we’re talking about being a good neighbor. Nate talked about the parable of the good Samaritan that Jesus told to the expert in the Law who had come to test him. Let’s read it again:
On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”
Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.” (Luke 10:25-37)
Jesus affirmed that the expert was right when he said the way to eternal life was to love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind and to love your neighbor as yourself. But the guy pressed harder, asking Jesus, “and who is my neighbor?” Jesus tells a story and lets the expert draw his own conclusions. And the Samaritan, the one you’d least expect, was the best neighbor to the guy who had been beaten and left for dead. I think it’s interesting that Jesus’s response to the question, who is my neighbor, was more about how he should be a good neighbor, how he should treat someone, not necessarily that someone in need was your neighbor. Being a good and loving neighbor seems to be more about how you treat the people you come across, how you treat people who are in your path.
So, last week, we concluded that your neighbor is (1) someone in need who (2) happens along your path. And how we love them is by (1) going to them and (2) helping them with the resources we have.
So if we go by that definition, our neighbor being someone in our path, then who is in our path more than our roommates? So tonight, I want to talk about how we can be good neighbors to our roommates, how we should treat them and respond to a variety of situations.
Let’s start with Jesus’s example.
I don’t think Jesus had roommates. He didn’t even have a house, just kinda wandered around Judea and the surrounding areas staying at other people’s houses while He taught and healed people in that city. But He did do life in close quarters with people, spending a lot of time with certain people.
Firstly, Jesus had the disciples. These guys were following Him around everywhere, seeing Him do crazy stuff and getting to be a part of what Jesus was doing in the world. Just before the story of the good Samaritan, Jesus sends out seventy-two of His disciples to prepare the way for Him and to preach the good news that He was here. And if you turn back another chapter, you see Jesus send out just the Twelve disciples to proclaim the Kingdom, heal the sick, drive out demons, and cure diseases. They were doing crazy cool things!
Between those two instances of being sent out, while they were on their way to Jerusalem, they tried to go through a Samaritan town but the Samaritans did not welcome them because they were going to Jerusalem. Samaritans and Jews have a really complicated relationship, but long story short, they don’t really like each other. When they weren’t welcomed, two of the disciples, James and John (who Jesus nicknamed the Sons of Thunder), said “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” Sons of Thunder, indeed. They didn’t do that, though; Jesus rebuked them. I kind of imagine Jesus like, “Huh??? Literally, why would you say that??”
Anyway, so Jesus was living life everyday with people who didn’t understand His mission, misunderstood what His purpose was, and reacted, dare I say, wrongly to a lot of what was happening around them and to them. I think of when Jesus literally said to Peter, “Get behind me Satan!” Yet Jesus never gave up on them. He continued inviting them in, meeting their needs, and loving them perfectly.
Secondly, Jesus also stayed with people while He was traveling around. I think of the story of Mary and Martha. They were sisters and they were Jesus’s friends. When Jesus visited them, Martha was getting everything together, cleaning, making food, whatever, you know, being a host, and Mary was just sitting with Jesus. Martha went to Jesus and said, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” (Luke 10:40).
How many times have we felt that way with our roommates? I’m the only one cleaning the bathroom around here; I can’t believe she isn’t helping me! I’ve been there, for sure. Lord, don’t you care???
Of course He cares. But, spoiler alert, Jesus did not tell Mary to get up and help her sister. He actually said that Martha was too distracted and that Mary had chosen the right thing, to sit at Jesus’s feet.
Now, I’m not saying that your roommate is always right and you're always wrong. I definitely can’t make that call. And I’m also not saying that you shouldn’t have some boundaries and communicate with one another about things, like household chores. You definitely should do that. And sometimes, your roommate’s irresponsible and hurtful behavior will be too much to overlook, and you’ll need to have serious and hard conversations with them. You don’t have to allow people to continually treat you horribly. But I am saying that, in the daily grind of living together, sharing space, there’s more to be said than who is right and who is wrong.
The real question is this: What would Jesus do? Yes, yes, I know, very cliche. But it’s a cliche for a reason. Think of it this way: What would Jesus do if He were me? In this country, in this state, in this city, on this campus, in this neighborhood, in this house or dorm, with these people? What would Jesus do if He were roommates with ______? Would He get angry and complain to his friends if they left their dishes in the sink? Would He ignore or avoid them in the common areas if He was tired? Would He only talk about Himself when they were together? Would He talk about them behind their backs?
You don’t have to have warm fuzzy feelings toward your roommates to be a good neighbor to them. Jesus commands us in multiple places to love one another. You can’t command a feeling. And Jesus doesn’t. Love is a choice; having mercy and compassion on someone is a choice. Focus on what you can do, not how you feel. That’s not to say that you won’t have feelings, whether good or bad, but feelings are a gauge, not a guide. This means that what you feel tells you things about yourself and the world and how you relate to the world, but they should not guide how you act or react. For example, your anger toward your roommate about them leaving a mess in the living room again is telling you that you don’t like that, that you might need to address it in some way, but it should not guide you to yell and pitch a fit or sulk and act petty toward them.
Here are some things that love is:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
So are you a patient roommate? Are you kind? Do you praise your roommate’s successes? Are you humble? Do you lift up your roommate? Do you honor them above yourself? Do you seek their good? Are you a forgiving roommate? Do you protect your roommate? Are you trustworthy and hopeful? Do you persevere through good times and bad with your roommate?
I’m definitely not a perfect roommate. I doubt you are either.
And like I said earlier, these things don’t just apply when you’re bff’s with your roommates! You and your roommate might not get along. Maybe you just have different interests, maybe you’ve gotten into a huge fight–maybe you don’t know why but they just treat you horribly.
Jesus says,
I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matt. 5:44–47)
I’m not saying your roommate is your enemy or anything (unless they are, I guess; I don’t know your story), but regardless, we are still commanded to love them.
So what are some things we can do to be better neighbors to our roommates?
Communicate with them and set healthy boundaries. It’s no fun having a roommate who never talks to you. Maybe some of you can relate. Be different; be the type of roommate who initiates conversation and doesn’t leave a kind word unsaid. And tell them when you get upset. There’s nothing worse than tension in the place you’re supposed to call home and you don’t know what you did wrong. Tell your roommate that you don’t like when she has her boyfriend over every single night! Or tell your roommate that he has got to start helping you clean the bathroom. Or whatever. Be the kind of roommate that fosters an honest and kind environment where you’re not afraid to talk about little stuff–or big stuff! And yes, you have to talk to them; they can’t read your mind.
See their need and have compassion: this can look like a ton of different things, but I have a few examples. Do their dishes. Try to see things from their perspective–maybe they had a hard week and they’re super stressed out and they could barely find the time or energy to eat, let alone do the dishes. Have mercy on them, and help alleviate some burden by doing the dishes. It’s really not that big of a deal. Or another scenario: maybe they always come home and go straight to their room (or their side of the room with headphones maybe). Ask them to have dinner with you. Or to come to CSF. Or to play pickleball or something. Reach out a hand. They might say no, and that’s okay. But don’t let that stop you from reaching out a hand again. Or, another example, if they get angry at you and start yelling or being mean, don’t respond to their anger with more anger. Try to see past whatever they’re upset about and see the deeper hurt. Hurt people hurt people. Respond gently and lovingly.
Be quick to listen. A lot of times, the best way to be a neighbor to someone is to listen to them. Most people just want to feel seen and known. Don’t be the one who goes straight to your room or your side of the room, never to emerge from your bubble. Ask questions about their day or week. Really listen to the answers. Ask how classes are going, ask what they’re watching on TV or what game they're playing, ask why they listen to All Too Well 10-minute version on repeat every day… (they probably need someone to talk to).
Pray for them. God loves your roommate more than you ever could. God knows more about them than you ever could. Why don’t we intercede on their behalf more often? Pray about their issues, about their feelings (the ones that you know from asking, but also the ones they don’t share with you); God knows what they need, even if you don’t know what to ask for. Pray that they have an encounter with God, either for the first time or in a valley season or that they remember God in their mountain top season.
And lastly, tell them about Jesus. If they already know Him, remind them of His goodness and His compassion. Point out the ways you see Him working in their lives. Hold them accountable and remind them that the Lord has so much better in store for them. And if they don’t know Jesus yet, tell them the Good News! There is a good God who loves us so much that He did everything He could so that we could be together forever, including living the perfect life we could not live, dying on a cross to take the punishment we deserve, and defeating death when He rose from the dead, granting us life, life to the full! The greatest gift you could ever give someone is to share this with them. Because if the gospel is true, and I believe that it is, then that changes everything! It changes how we interact with the world around us, including our roommates.
Now, once again, roommate relationships are very complex and unique, and sometimes it’s hard to know how to be a good neighbor in a certain situation. Seek counsel. Ask God for wisdom, and ask someone you trust for advice, too–someone at church, someone here on staff or in leadership, or one of your close friends who walks with the Lord. It’s okay to need help navigating confusing and difficult situations. Or even “easy” ones.
Remember the question: what would Jesus do if He were roommates with _______? How would He respond in this situation? How would He treat them regardless of how they treat Him?
Your roommates, the people you live with, are your closest neighbors. How can you be a good neighbor to them? As Nate said, and as Jesus said in His parable, go to them and have compassion.
There are a lot of situations where I’m not sure what Jesus would do. What would Jesus do if His roommate came home drunk multiple times a week? I don’t know! But I think that’s where getting to know Jesus’s character–spending time studying the Gospels and other Scriptures–comes into play. Jesus wasn’t afraid to rebuke His friends, and He wasn’t one to let sin run rampant in His friends’ lives. But as for what exactly He would say in every single situation, I don’t really know. The Lord always surprises me.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t try. We can see the person in need, have compassion, go to them, and help with the resources we have. The very least we can do is pray for them and be kind. And if we have more resources–more time, more energy, more whatever–we can offer that, too.
And, again, like Nate said, this is not to say that we should be trying to help with resources we don’t have. If you’re not a therapist, don’t try to be a therapist! If you don’t have money to treat them to dinner when they're having a tough time, don’t go into debt to do so! Give what you can. None of this is to say that you shouldn’t have boundaries with your roommate; in fact, right now, your roommate is probably one of the most important people that you should have boundaries with. You don’t have to enable their irresponsible or hurtful behavior. But you can be kind and patient and forgiving and encouraging.
So where do we go from here? Maybe you’re a great and perfect roommate. Good for you. But if you’re like everyone else in the room and you’re not a perfect roommate, try implementing that question into your relationship with your roommate: what would Jesus do if He were roommates with _______? And let the Lord surprise you. Maybe He’ll ask you to change.
