Saying No to A Really Cool Yes
It finally happened. I got the email I had always dreamed of.
My journey to this point was anything but easy. One of my goals this year was to work on my writing more, including pursuing publication with one of my completed works. So on January 19th, 2023, I submitted Heaven’s Wars to a publishing house, expectations low. I had submitted it to a literary agency last year and received a gentle but firm rejection. I know that authors, especially debut authors, go through a slew of rejections before their manuscripts are accepted. That knowledge was what often held me back from submitting more, but I decided that this year, it didn’t matter how I felt about rejections; that’s just a part of the game, and I needed to start playing.
So I submitted. I heard back from them way faster than I expected, and they wanted to meet with me. Meet with me! So I set up the video call for Monday, January 30th.
I’ve been working on allowing others into my joy and sorrow (more on that in a future post), so I decided to tell people this exciting news. I was meeting with a literary scout! To talk about my BOOK! That I WROTE! Everyone was very excited for me, and it was so fun getting to share that joy with friends and family (and some strangers).
That following Monday, I met with the literary scout, and it was the most surreal 52 minutes of my life. I walked away from that meeting feeling overwhelmed, excited, a little scared, but mostly hopeful. He said I would get an answer from them in the next couple of weeks whether they accepted my proposal or not. And then I’d be on my way to the shelves of bookstores!
As I was working through everything that the guy had shared with me, I had a small seed of doubt in my gut that I happily ignored until my mom gave voice to it the following day. I reacted badly—because how dare she take away my joy in this moment (don’t worry, I apologized)?—but decided to start digging. I researched online and reached out to some authors friends (more like acquaintances) and let them give me some advice for my specific project and the process of publishing. I prayed about it, too, confused and a bit frustrated with the whole process, but mostly scared to tell everyone that I let celebrate with me that I might be changing my mind.
I decided, because of all the advice I got, that I would most likely not go with the publishing company that I was talking to, even if they accepted my manuscript. I had many reasons, and I believe they’re all good reasons, but that didn’t make it any easier. I mean, this is what I wanted, isn’t it? To be published? So why would I say no?
So then began the waiting game. Waiting to see their decision. If they said no, then I wouldn’t have to. And I wouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone; I could put all the blame on the company. I only had to wait for two weeks, but it was the longest and most emotional two weeks of my life. I got a couple of emails from them in the meantime, asking for more information, which I hesitated to even provide to them because I worried I was wasting their time. But in the end, I sent them what they asked for and continued waiting.
On February 16th, 2023, I received the acceptance letter. I was driving home from somewhere when I saw the email pop up on my phone. I read the first couple of lines and started crying.
It wasn’t happy tears, like I had always imagined when I got this email. No, it was overwhelming sorrow. I couldn’t even be excited about this cool Yes; I was going to say No. I cried the whole way home. Sobbed, really; quite dangerous when driving. I’ve been crying in my car a lot since then.
I didn’t answer the email. Even when I sat down and read the whole thing, including the attachments, which included the contract for me to sign, I couldn’t bring myself to reply. I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of what I was going to say. I didn’t want to have to tell anyone anything at all.
But the reality is this: life will go on whether I reply to the email or not. And I can either continue to lie to my friends and family about it (which does not sit well with my spirit) or I can buck up and admit that some things changed and let people into my sorrow—which is what I’m working on anyway.
So five days later, today, I finally emailed back. I said no. I turned down the opportunity to be published right now because I believe God has something different in store for this project. Now onto the hard part: telling you all.
The next steps of my journey are not super clear. Well, I suppose they are—work on my proposal and submit to other places—but I don’t know where they will lead. But the Lord told me that I’m meant to be a writer. So a writer I will be. And I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep submitting. I’ll keep praying. And I’ll keep trying to let others into my joy and my sorrow.
—Leah
P.S. The reply to my email was really nice, and he said I will always have a friend in publishing and he can’t wait to get a signed copy of my book :)
