How I let a boy ruin my relationship with God

From March 2013 until September 2015, I was in a relationship. That’s two and a half YEARS. Around October 0f 2014, I was in Gatlinburg with my family, and I remember praying to God.

I asked God if this was it. I said, God, if he isn’t the one for me, take him away now.

Life is made up in defining moments. This is one of mine.

As I cried that night, I kept repeating myself over and over: God, if he isn’t mine, take him away now. Please let me keep him. 

Remember when  said that we dated until 2015? And I prayed this in 2014? Right. So God didn’t take him away from me. But really, He tried. I just wouldn’t let Him.

This story isn’t about the boy. He doesn’t matter. If it wasn’t him, it would have been the next one. Because God needed to break me so that I’d learn to fully trust him.

When my ex-boyfriend broke up with me a year after I had prayed this huge prayer, I was… angry. Sad, too, incredibly heartbroken, but mostly angry. And I wasn’t even that mad at the boy. No. I was angry at God.

I was angry at God for not taking him away when I had asked Him to. I was angry at God for letting me think for a year that that boy was The One.

I was angry at God for not sticking to MY schedule.

I stopped praying to God. We were not on speaking terms. I called my mom one day while she was at work, bawling my eyes out, and asked her why God would do this to me. What did I do to deserve this? I don’t remember everything she said, but I know she said something along these lines: God didn’t do this to you. You did this to yourself. God allowed this for a reason that you can’t see yet.

About a year later, I went off to college, and I met the most amazing people in the whole world. I started reading my Bible again and actually enjoying hearing about God. I joined a Bible Study group and make lifelong friends. It was amazing.

But God and I still weren’t on speaking terms. I only listened to things I wanted to hear, and I found it hard to trust Him. How can I know for sure that this is what’s best for me?

My Bible Study leaders helped me realize what had happened to me. I had trusted God with a big thing in the wrong way and was disappointed. See, really, I hadn’t trusted God at all. I was so sure that I had been right that I ignored all the signs telling me that it wasn’t right–until finally, God had to step in.

Until I realized that, I would never be able to trust God with anything. I still struggle sometimes. But God is building up my faith in Him again with each passing day. And now I actively trust God with BIG THINGS.

So I had prayed, God, please let me keep him. But God knows better than I do, in every sense of the phrase. And He allowed this heartache so that my faithfulness would grow. God allows trials so that our faith and trust will be strengthened.

Written August 27th, 2018.